Conscious Parenting: Authority

Your child is born with the potential to be emotionally and spiritually perfect. It is your honored responsibility to raise them, nurture them, protect them, and encourage them to reach their own highest potential and achieve their highest joys. In order to do this, you must set boundaries for your child, and you must have authority.

In using the word, "authority" we do not mean dominance or intimidation. To have Authority does not mean being on a "control trip". Just the opposite -- a parent with true Authority does not have a need to control every little aspect of a child's life, indeed, would never do so.

Authority is a quality of personal strength, character, wisdom and integrity. Authority speaks from experience and sets boundaries for the child's highest good.

Only a generation ago, most parents believed that they ought to give orders, rather than engage in conversation with their children. Also, many families had more children than one or two parents could honestly form a close bond with, and the children grew up with less personal interaction with the parent than was ideal. So today we see parents going to the other extreme: asking (and finally begging) their child to comply: "please go to bed." These parents mean well, but wind up spending hours struggling with an unruly, self-centered child. What’s gone wrong?

In order to have true Authority, we must ourselves be authentic. Human children are dependent upon their parents for so long, that the imprinting and adapting behaviors mentioned in our Introduction are imperative for their survival. So from the beginning:
1) You must set clear boundaries and they must make sense, because you are also teaching your child to reason. It is not enough to teach a child to obey rules.
2) Secondly, don't set a lot of boundaries.

You don't need to make rules regarding every aspect of your child's life; just simple rules covering two general areas:
1)Your child's safety and
2)Considerate treatment of others. That's all.
Your rules should be few, logical, firm, and loving.

Examples:

Smart Rules: Toddlers may not leave the house without parent. Toddlers may not play with stove or matches. Toddlers may not use breakable glass. Then, you keep the door and stove latched and the glasses out of reach.

Dumb Rules: Toddler must not wear favorite shirt today. Toddler may not touch certain body parts. Toddler must eat all food regardless of taste. These kind of rules are domineering rather than meaningful, and show a lack of respect for the child's budding ability to choose.

The other way to teach your child that you are The Loving Authority in his or her life is through your use of language. Imagine your 18 month old grabs a forbidden drinking glass, drops, and shatters it. You have already told the child not to touch it. What do you do?

This is an example of the harsh, controlling approach: “No! Now what did I say? Didn’t I tell you not to touch that? You are bad!” Perhaps a smack on the hand might accompany this verbalizing. "I can't believe you are that stupid! Now see what you did? I have to clean up this mess!" Here are the reasons why this approach is so negative:

Never call your child names. By name calling, parent gives the message that the child is a bad person, and also that love is conditional upon behavior. ("You are bad...stupid!")
Blaming and shaming behavior come from (and teach) selfishness, not love. (Now I have to clean up...!)
Verbal or physical violence teaches fear of parent instead of love; and also sends the message that violence is OK when you're mad. (yelling and/or hitting)
The parent is more interested in being obeyed than in the child's welfare. ("Didn't I tell you...?")

A more caring approach would be something like this: “Oh honey! This glass could hurt you. See, when it breaks all these pieces could cut you. That's how come I didn't want you to use this. So, here, use this plastic one and I’ll clean up the glass.” Here are the reasons why the latter approach is preferable and more effective:

Affectionate name reinforces love of the child even if behavior is not ideal. (“Oh honey!”)
Parent shows concern for the welfare of the child (“This could hurt you”)
Parent shows respect for child's budding reasoning abilities (taking time to explain why the glass is off limits)
This experience reinforces the importance of listening to parent. (Parent knows things child doesn’t)

In this one incident you have given your child several messages about you, him/her self, and personal interaction. It's not even really about the glass!

If you are consistent in your relationship with your child, speaking with love and authority, your child will love and respect you. If you are controlling and angry, your child will fear and resent you.

Next, authority continued

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