conscious parenting: authority part 2

As part of this article, I recently asked a delightfully self-posessed teenager why she had always been so cooperative with her mother. Her reply, "I didn’t ever want to disappoint her." This is because a bond of mutual love and respect had been created early in life, and this bond brings with it natural cooperation.

I've also spoken with children (and adults) that had behaved in either sneaky or rebellious ways, and their comments were nearly always the same: "I was sneaky because I wanted to "get over" on them, because I was mad at them. I was deceitful because I was afraid of their anger. I lied because they punished and shamed me -- I learned never to admit to anything."

When we are authentic with ourselves and with our children, we don’t need to control them. So what if they want to wear unmatching clothes? They’ll get into fashion soon enough. So what if they don’t want to finish their dinner? They won’t starve. Don't create a hassle over the small stuff...because it's almost all small stuff! This attitude alone eliminates most potential conflict in the home.

Your job is to protect, nurture and guide, not dictate petty issues. Your child is new in this wonderful world, and needs both the freedom to explore it, and protection from harm. And if your children know they can count on you to listen and honestly converse with them, they’ll trust your authority and listen to your guidance.

Authority also teaches from experience. We don’t tell our kids to do or believe something that we don’t live. We speak to our child from our own experience about basic human social behavior: Instead of telling your child that "nobody likes a liar," or quoting religious text on the subject, speak from personal experience. "Telling the truth is good because people can trust you, and when I was a kid I learned that if I lied, people never believed me." And then -- don't lie to your kid.

I have spoken with five and six year old kids who already knew that their parents lied to them whenever it was convenient. Needless to say, these kids learned from experience to lie to their parents when necessary.

We can share our experience about basic behavior, instead of yelling about it. For instance, a woman I know regularly babysat a child who whined and yelled whenever she had needs. One day she suggested to the girl that they try different tones of voice and pick out the nicest. They made a game of it, mimicing all kinds of voices and laughing about their sounds. Together they chose the sweet voices and rejected the harsh ones.

Also, she asked her how it felt to be angry and yelling. The child replied that angry behavior made her "stomach feel funny" and created a tightness around her head. My friend suggested that this was her body's way of letting her know that this behavior was not good for her. The young girl soon discovered and later remarked that cooperative behavior actually felt better, physically. With each subsequent baby-sitting session, her behavior dramatically improved. Why was this technique so effective? The child had used her own reasoning skills to change her behavior. She had simply needed guidance to make her aware of it in a way that she understood.

The point is, we don’t "give orders." We share wisdom. Our children learn, not only behavior, but the art of reason, and have no need to rebel. This is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children, that they learn not only positive behaviors, but they learn to see just why these are positive behaviors. By example, we help our children become their highest potential, discover their own creativity, and eventually grow into intelligent and compassionate adults.

And the seeds you sow when they are young will come back, to your happiness or regret, tomorrow. These kids are going to become teenagers.

What if you already have a bratty kid? Is it too late? Our final topic: "Help! My Kid's a Brat!"

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