(or: I've Created a Monster!!)

So, you had a beautiful baby. Oh, how you loved that baby! The first cute smile...the first adorable word! But something happened to that sweet baby, didn't it? You could tell by age 2 that something sinister was going on. The kid resisted, threw tantrums, and yelled "NO!" almost as often as you did! What happened to that child was adaptation and imitation. What happened to that child was you. Please read Conscious Parenting - Introduction for a brief explanation of why this is so. Therapists have long reported that the basis of neurotic behavior is found in the family. Lest you dismiss this as trivial, remember that numerous studies of patients in mental hospitals show that it was their “nuclear family” that made them crazy -- not their teachers, their boss, their wife, their neighbor, the mailman or the president. Prison inmates also report an unusually high amount of disturbance and/or violence in the childhood environment. And although the intent of this article is not "parent bashing", we should recognize that any negative or positive personality habits of ours will influence our children. And children with differing natures will reflect this influence in a variety of ways.

For instance, let’s look at brothers, now adults, who were brought up in an extremely critical and stressful home. Daily arguing, insults, and rudeness were coupled with a domineering and controlling parenting style. The eldest son was born both strong willed and curious. Early on he adopted the attitude that anyone criticizing him was a jerk, became hostile to authority figures of any kind, ran away from home, and was not motivated in school, although he was intelligent. He habitually "picked on" his younger brother. The harsh treatment of his youth combined with his personal strength made him angry and tough.   The younger brother was born sensitive and sweet. He exhibited bedwetting for his first 12 years, grew up to do poorly in school, rebelled against any authority, had trouble with the law, and formed a regular lifelong daily habit of consuming large amounts of alcohol early in his teens. The harsh treatment of his youth combined with his sensitive nature undermined his confidence and encouraged him to escapist and self defeating behavior. We can only imagine what achievements these two adults could have reached, had they not wasted so much time in rebellious or self defeating behaviors. Each of these behaviors were specifically learned in reaction/adaptation to their childhood environment.   These dysfunctional behaviors amongst the general population are the reason why counseling is so necessary, why relationships don’t work, and why politicians get votes by promising more jails. You want something much better for your child.

So now, here you are. Your beautiful baby has become a brat. You've made some natural mistakes, you've learned and grown, but it appears as though the damage has been done. What can you do? Communicate honestly. Many parents are so busy playing "boss" that they don't think to be honest. But it’s crucial, because kids and teens have very efficient BS detectors. Admit your mistakes.Tell them how much you love them, and that you've made mistakes in their upbringing, simply because you were learning and you didn’t know better. Be genuine, and tell them that you did the best you knew how at the time. If they are nearly grown, ask them what they remember most, good and bad, about their own childhood. This could be painful; be humble if they lash out or are unkind. Apologize. If they are mature enough, you might tell them what you were going through at the time in their lives they refer to. Tell them about how you were raised. You will probably gain a lot of insight into generational parenting habits simply by sharing this information. Add humor wherever it’s appropriate. Tell anecdotes about your parents and, most importantly, tell them how this treatment made you feel. Tell them what strengths of character you see in them, focusing especially on their innate nature. Sometimes these strengths are disguised an annoying habits, but they are still strengths. This may take some effort and imagination on your part! For instance, a strongly opinionated child is always criticizing others and often loudly pointing out faults in public, embarrassing the target. What positive light could you shed upon these traits? Well, she has a natural talent for seeing detail, an awareness of disharmony, and she’s quite assertive. Tell her how proud you are of her abilities. Then gently add some hints to turn the annoying expression of that quality into a positive expression. For this particular child, you might mention that to learn tact would allow others to listen to her advice without driving them away. If the child tells lies, acknowledge the innate creativity and resourcefulness they draw on. This child could have a talent for writing or acting. If the child is a “smart-alec” acknowledge the clever mind and quick wit behind the rude retorts. If the child is overly shy, acknowledge the introspection and deep inner nature within. Acknowledge that their reactions to negative stimuli are normal and natural human coping mechanisms. And, just as if they were younger, explain to them how other human beings probably already do - and certainly will in the future - have a problem with these difficult behaviors. Tell them that you are working on yourself to drop your own negative habits, and share the challange with them. (No doubt they will be more than helpful at pointing out any annoying traits you may have!) Always recognize and validate their feelings, even if you don’t think they should feel as they do. Your opinion of their feelings is unimportant. Listen, Listen, Listen. It may be difficult to develop a rapport with the child who has developed perfectly matched responses to your worst behaviors. Especially if you’re dealing with a teen, they may not be open to your first overtures. Just keep being open and genuine; tell them how you feel. Many young people say they were surprised to discover what was actually going on within their parents. Don’t attempt to control them about trivial matters. It inspires only sneakiness and resentment. Instead use reason, and come from strength. Have few rules, but be consistent with those few important rules. Every child, no matter what age, needs boundaries. These should have to do mostly with their personal physical safety and their treatment of others. There are some good suggestions in"Authority". Insist upon those few rules and let the little things slide. Presto! Instant peace. Come from authority. However, authority means self honesty first and foremost: Look at your own behavior and honestly evaluate yourself. Are you rude, insulting, or bossy towards your child? Is is surprising that your child is rude in return? Make a conscious effort to treat your child at least as politely as you would a guest, showing respect. Be respectful if you want to receive respect.

It takes time to "un-brat" a kid, just as it takes time to change ourselves, but polite, honest communication will work. What do you have to lose? You don’t have to live with a brat, and your child doesn’t have to live with either a tyrant or a wimp, and you'll be teaching positive change by example. Many parents have discovered that these simple guidelines can yield results they had never thought possible - and what a relief to end the battlezone in your home!     It is possible that our family members can become our most treasured companions.

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